Lately just wanna fly

Lately just wanna fly.

I need to be everywhere and do everything and know everyone. But as soon as I get there and do everything and know everyone I need to be everywhere else and do everything else and know everyone else. It never stops. I may finally be coming to the stone cold realization that this is no desire to get somewhere else as much as it is the need, the instinct, to just not be here. Here. Right now. Where I am. Who I am. Was I always like this? 

Despite all my abundance of energy and tendency for mental gymnastics, I cannot figure this one out. 

Despite mostly winning (in my current phase of life) from the near perpetual state of being that needs me to fly, I’m not feeling well. I keep myself grounded in reality and normalcy and righteousness and safety and never pay heed to my fantasies, to my visions of white skies above a silver horizon of snow capped mountains. To the soft breeze gently kissing my forehead, running through my hair. I never dwell in my dreams of constantly moving. Dream of constantly trying to get higher and higher. I don’t give in, I have never given in to thrill and verve and the desire for constantly searching for new warmth. My feet are on the ground but my head is under it, it feels. There is a stillness and a slowness around me. But I’m dizzy. Comfort is in endless supply but I’m perpetually tired. Why am I like this? 

I have memories of a different me. Another, alternative, younger, kinder, softer. Sometimes in the quiet light I feel his presence behind me and I turn to look. And he’s always there. Fully awake. Wide eyes. Still. Sometimes we don’t even exchange a glance. Sometimes we sit together for hours and read through volumes of memories long gone, long forgotten. So many dreams and stories and lived experiences and adventurous encounters with the universe. So many gifts exchanged. So many wonders in promise. Richness. Depth. Unknowns. And now I’m in a fever-dream aquarium for the same universe to quietly, simply observe from a distance and throw in the occasional treat to ensure minimum survival. But I feel like a fish out of water. 

Lately just wanna fly.






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